The "Prove It" Problem

Have you ever felt like you needed to prove you're good enough, smart enough, successful enough, or worthy enough before you could finally relax and enjoy what you've built?

You're not alone.

In this episode, we're diving into what I call The Prove-It Problem—the exhausting cycle of trying to earn validation through achievement, people-pleasing, overexplaining, perfectionism, and constantly moving the finish line on yourself.

We'll explore:

• Why so many high-achieving women feel like they have something to prove
• How childhood experiences and past wounds can quietly shape our leadership
• The difference between proving your value and creating value
• How the need for validation affects your business, relationships, and ability to receive
• Why boundaries are one of the most powerful tools for ending the prove-it cycle
• How self-trust creates more peace, confidence, and sustainable success

If you've ever found yourself wondering, "When will I finally feel like enough?" this conversation is for you.

Because the truth is: your worth was never something you were meant to prove. It was something you were meant to remember.

Let's talk about what happens when you stop performing for approval and start building from truth instead.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hey everyone, welcome back to another episode of Bold Hearts Big Moves. Okay, my loves, um before we get into today's episode, I have some gratitude to give you and some confessions to make. Now, just because that's the case, it doesn't, and by the way, I'm sure you probably have noticed that, but just because that's the case, it doesn't mean that I'm not going to still try to get really, really good content out to you. Because I do want to help you. I do want you to see your potential. I want you to actually meet your potential and earn unlimited amounts of money so that way you can do the things that you want to do. You can live the life you want to live. Like I'm so passionate about that. And I love your leadership. But sometimes, as you know, we have to be really real with ourselves about how things are going in our lives. And that's kind of where I'm at right now with some things because I've got the other side of the struggle podcast. I have this podcast. Um, I have my coaching clients, my coaching frameworks, and building things. I'm also going back to school, um, full time to get my master's degree, and um, I'm also a mom. And so with everything kind of culminating together, it's it's making it really hard sometimes to get in and get these episodes recorded. And you, bless your hearts, have been so patient and so kind and so understanding uh with me as I'm going through this transition, it's gonna be so much better when um when we have this, when it's done. Um, but sometimes that building process can look a little messy, you know. Like if you think about if you've ever remodeled a home or anything like that, like you're you're building space, you're gonna make it look exactly the way you want it to look, feel exactly the way you want it to feel, but in the process, you have to build, you have to break down walls, you have to make a mess. And that's kind of where I'm at right now with some things. Um just being totally honest, and that's why the podcast episodes are inconsistent. Um, that being said, if I can't get them out every single week, they are absolutely going to come out at least every other week. So plan on these podcasts every week or every other week at least. Um, because I do want to still help you, I do want to still support you and know that this isn't going to be a permanent thing. This is something that is temporary because um I'm just learning how to create space for things that I want in my life, right? And so um that's where I'm at with things right now. I really do appreciate, you know, your your patience with me. And uh also I want to be really raw and honest with you and let you know that this is sometimes what business looks like. You know, um, every like I'm going to be super consistent with my clients because you know they're paying clients, and I feel like if they're gonna pay, you know, I definitely need to make sure they're in the schedule. Um, but I definitely want to still offer my free content to you because I know it's valuable and I know it helps. And so your patience is very valuable to me. I thank you for it. And uh I do want to also just show and reflect that this is sometimes what business looks like. Sometimes it's a little crazy as we're learning to open up and receive the things that we want to receive. But that does actually kind of bring us into today's episode, which is the prove it problem. And, you know, I've I've been sitting here talking with my clients this week, and this is a theme that kept coming up actually within the last couple of weeks. And it's something that I really am seeing, not even just in my clients, but sometimes in myself, I see it sometimes in the people I talk to, in women, entrepreneurs, men, uh leaders, mothers, fathers, uh, and like I said, honestly, me sometimes. And what I mean by the prove it problem is it's it's that feeling that somehow your success, your existence, your expertise, your worth, your dreams, your goals, your accomplishments, they need to be justified, defended, demonstrated, explained, approved, uh, validated before we move forward with the fact that they actually matter. And the crazy thing about this is most people carrying the prove it problem don't even realize that they're doing it. But I want to say this if we're living in truth, truth does not need to be proved, it will prove itself. We literally can live in a place where we don't have to prove things, it's absolutely possible. But yet we are still thinking that we need to be responsible, we're trying to be humble, we're trying to be thoughtful, compassionate, but really underneath this prove it problem is this idea and this belief that if I can just prove myself enough, then I'm gonna finally feel safe to create the thing that I want to create, or I or finally have the thing that I want. And I want to challenge that belief today because I really don't think that's true. I don't think it's true at all. But yet it still shows up in business. Uh you create content and immediately wonder if people will think you're qualified for it. You will lower your prices because you're afraid people won't see your value. You overdeliver because you're trying to prove the worth of your of the investment that your people have invested with you. And let me tell you that I've learned uh through coaching and through uh working with people that the best thing that we can do is actually sitting with them, reflecting with them, giving them really good questions, giving them perspective. Yes, doing some teaching moments, but we don't need to over-deliver. We just need to deliver exactly what's needed. And sometimes I think that we we wonder if if that's possible, like if we have what if we have what it takes, if we have the know-how, like that we have what that what it takes is inside of us to do. So we then collect certifications that we actually don't need. We keep taking courses when what you really need to do is implement, and you explain your offer for 15 minutes instead of simply inviting someone into it. It's not because you're unqualified, it's because you're trying to prove that you're qualified, you're trying to prove it, prove your worth, and not feel guilty that somebody invested in you because you're not sure about it. And that's a very different thing. Those are two very different energies. It also shows up in motherhood, it shows up in fatherhood. You wonder if you're doing enough, you compare yourselves to other moms, you feel guilty when you're at work because you're not with your kids, and you feel guilty when you're with your kids because you're not doing the work, you feel guilty when you rest, you feel guilty when you don't rest, you feel guilty when you enjoy your business, you feel guilty when you focus on your family. And no matter what you choose, you feel like you're standing in front of an invisible jury just trying to prove you're a good mom. It shows up in relationships. You explain yourself repeatedly, you defend your intentions, you work harder to be understood than any other person, works to understand, you spend hours replaying conversations trying to prove that I'm a good person, I'm trying, I care, I didn't mean it that way, and before long, you're just absolutely emotionally exhausted. So, where does this come from? I don't think that people are born needing to prove themselves. This is something that is absolutely taught and something that we learn, and it's it's some sort of a develop developmental type of trauma. Somewhere along the way, many of us learned love was conditional, and therefore we had to earn it and prove it. Approval was conditional, we had to earn it and prove it. Attention was conditional, we have to prove it, earn it. Safety was conditional, we have to prove it, we have to earn safety. We learned that if we performed correctly, people responded better. And if we were good enough, quiet enough, productive enough, successful enough, helpful enough, and maybe just maybe then we'd be accepted. And while those patterns may have helped us survive certain seasons in lives, they make absolutely terrible foundations for leadership. Because the women trying to the woman and man trying to prove themselves really can never relax. We can't ever receive. You have to prove it. And this is why I know women who have successful businesses, beautiful families, incredible talents, amazing opportunities, but yet they still don't feel like they've arrived. And it's because the goal was never the goal, the goal of success was actually never success, it was always validation. And validating validation is a moving target. If your nervous system believes that your worth has to be earned, no achievement will ever feel like it's enough. You simply move through the finish line again and again and again and again, and it's almost kind of like you're on a hamster wheel. And one of my favorite things to uh tell my clients, and I really feel like this is anchored in some massive, massive truth, is God never asked you to prove your worth. He never did, he already knows it. He established it before the business, before the success, before the followers, before the revenue, before the achievements, before the mistakes, your worth was already proven. You don't have to negotiate something God has already put into place. You don't have to negotiate something that God has already created. And when that truth really lands inside of you, something else is going to happen. You start instead of trying to prove it, you just steward it. It's a belief that you carry. See, when you're sitting here trying to prove it, prove it, prove it, what ends up happening is it's really you not sure. And you're seeking validation from other people so you can finally be sure. But the problem is, is you never will have it. Because it needs to come from you, it needs to come from inside of you to the outside, not from the outside in. And when that happens, that's when you start creating. It's because it's a mindset shift. It's one of the biggest shifts I see in successful entrepreneurs. They stop asking, How do I prove I'm valuable? And they start asking, What can I create with the value that's here? That's a difference. That's a big difference. One comes from a fear and lack mentality, while the other one is coming from service and abundance mentality. A feeling of, you know what? I actually do love myself. It starts with your identity. This is who I am. I know it. I don't need to prove it. Think about it. If somebody walked up to you and told you that you're purple, you'd laugh at them. But if somebody walks up to you and says that your services aren't worth it, even though they've not experienced your services, somehow we believe that. But yet when we don't question our worth, that is what makes leadership. That's what brings on leadership. And really, really anchored success. One is inwardly focused. One is outwardly focused. When you're asking questions like, how do I prove I'm valuable? That's desperately seeking validation. But when you sit there and say, How can I create value? that's when you're starting to show up. And the woman that's trying to constantly prove herself is constantly wondering things like what will they think? But the woman constantly create creating value is wondering how can I serve with what I have? How can I show up with who I am? How can I make an impact on the world? Because I know I'm valuable. But the prove it problem is because you're simply questioning your value. And those energies create completely different businesses, strategies, and results. And this is why I say a lot of times, it's not a strategy that's your problem. You can implement all the strategies in the world, but if you have this mentality, even if it's subconscious, the strategies won't work. No strategy will, because you're always going to be in a cycle of self-sabotage. And it's unconscious. And this is why a lot of times, too, I see entrepreneurs, men and women, because I coach both. This is why I see a lot of entrepreneurs feeling like they have all these things to do, but yet they don't take action on them and they don't know why. Or they procrastinate. It's this prove-it problem. You get so tired of it at some point. And this is why I'm always talking about boundaries. It's not because boundaries are about keeping people out, it's because boundaries are anchoring into who we are. A boundary says, I know what, I know my value, I know my worth, I know what I believe, I love what I believe, I know what I stand for. I'm proud of myself for what I stand for. I know what I bring to the table. And because of that, I don't need universal agreement. I don't need somebody else to come in and tell me, yeah, you're right, because I already know it. I don't need everyone's approval. I don't need everyone to understand. I don't need everyone to validate my decisions because I've already decided. And I'm going forward with that decision, no matter what. I trust this growth, and I like the growth that I see in myself. The strongest women I know aren't constantly trying to prove themselves, they're constantly trusting themselves, and those are completely different things. So this week, here's what I want you to do. I want you to notice something. Where are you still trying to prove it? What are you trying to prove? Where are you trying to prove yourself? Maybe it's in your business, your pricing, your content, your marriage, your parenting, your family, maybe it's your relationships with God, maybe it's your relationship with yourself. Ask yourself, what would I do differently if I no longer needed permission, approval, or validation to move forward? Not recklessly, not arrogantly, just honestly. If you were to sit and be honest with yourself just for a little bit today and ask yourself, or even this week, and ask yourself, where am I trying to prove it? What would shift? What would change my loves? The goal isn't to become someone who never cares about what people think. Because we do care about what people think. But the goal is definitely to become someone who cares more about what God thinks because he's your creator. He's the one that put all the pieces together and made you.

SPEAKER_01 19:36

Because what if God himself validates that we're a failure? Trust him. He won't.

SPEAKER_00 19:46

Because if he thinks you're a failure, then he also has to admit that he himself is a failure in his greatest creation.

SPEAKER_01 19:54

I really don't see God doing that.

SPEAKER_00 20:02

Care more about your values, your integrity, your worth, your truth. Because when you know who you are, who God created you to be, and you just simply be, proving it becomes unnecessary. You stop performing, you stop chasing validation, and you stop trying to carry the weight of everyone else's opinion. And you finally start having the energy to build your life, business, relationships, and the impact that you were created for. So you don't have to prove it, my loves. Christ already proved your worth by dying for you. It was a very personal, very personal thing that he did. And God already proved your worth because he allowed that to happen. So that way you never, never would have to try to prove it.

SPEAKER_01 21:12

Think about that. Alright, my loves.

SPEAKER_00 21:18

If you would like more help, if you would like more support, feel free to reach out. There is a link in the description below. Um, I do have many different ways that we can support you, uh, whether it be through some online courses that you can take at your own time and leisure, or if you would like to learn about what it would look like to do some private coaching with me. I'm also going to be putting out an ebook. I'm still working on my book. It's another thing that I gotta do, right? Um, but there's many different ways that you can receive more personalized help from Aaron Anderson Coaching. So if you would like more help, get on the link below, scrub some time with me. Let's go through your boundaries, let's figure out what it is you're trying to prove. And let's help you realize that it's not something you actually have to hold anymore. All right, my loves. Until next time, I'll see you soon. Bye.