Freedom is Your Choice, Not Their Voice

Business is the art of relationships.

But, relationships and business can feel tricky when the voices of others are stuck in our heads...

telling us what decisions we have to make to make them comfortable.

But, business also takes leadership...

and if we can't lead ourselves it's going to be hard to build a sustainable business.

So, how do we learn to listen to ourselves and create a life that sustains our voice and desires?

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 1:05

Hey manubs, welcome back to another episode of the other side of the struggle. Guys, I'm so happy to be here with you guys today. Truly I am. You guys are a wonderful audience, a wonderful group of people, and I hope that my messages are uplifting you and helping you through your next stages in life. Because I have entrepreneurs of all types listening to this podcast. And when I talk about entrepreneurs, I'm including you mamas because it takes an entrepreneur spirit. And this is actually part of the reason why women are so good at entrepreneurship. It takes an entrepreneur spirit to be able to run a home. Your business is in the home. And so for absolutely 100% mamas, stay-at-home moms, entrepreneur moms, uh, even just women entrepreneurs, this is something, this is a place for all of you, okay? But I also recognize that a lot of you guys are feeling really disorganized and scattered and wondering how to create the goals and the dream life and vision that you guys have. Sometimes you've got a husband who's dealing with pornography that is disrupting your peace. Maybe it's a mom and a dad, maybe it's a connection with you and your child, right? Somewhere there's a relationship issue, and that's why you guys are here. And maybe it's even the relationship you have with yourself. Okay. So I'm hoping that these episodes are helping you. And um also don't forget if you guys would like some help crafting your boundaries so that way you can actually create your next steps, hop on a call with me. I will talk personally with you, and you and I will craft your next boundary to help you a calm your nervous system, give you clarity on what your next moves are, give you clarity on how to communicate what your next moves are, and to anchor yourself into what is right so that way you can have what is right. Okay, the link is in the description below. Go ahead and grab that. Let's chat. I would love to help you create your unbreakable boundaries. Okay, my loves. Let with that, let's go ahead and start talking about your voice. Okay, this is something, and if you if you guys remember, you know, the energies of manifestation, voice is one of those things. You actually have to vocalize what it is you want. And it's very interesting that uh it's also one of the things that gets silenced very quickly the most when it comes to um maybe dealing with a narcissist, um, somebody doesn't want to have to hear what you have to say, but also the adversary himself, Satan. The thing he wants to silence you on the most is your voice and how important your voice is. Let me just say this. In the book of Daniel, he tried to stop Daniel from praying out loud. There's actually many instances throughout scripture where um God's people are forced to stop using their voice to silence themselves uh in order for them to keep their lives. That's how important your voice is. Because it's the first thing that is tried to that is cut off or stopped when somebody is trying to control you. And it's no wonder that when we're not able to use our voice, we also feel like we're in bondage. And so that's why I want to talk today about how um freedom is your choice. It's not their voice, it's not someone else's voice. It is from your choices. Your freedom does not have to wait on somebody else's apology, agreement, understanding, validation, anything. You don't, your freedom is not waiting on someone else. Healing begins when you stop handing your power to someone else's voice, someone else's thoughts, like what somebody else thinks is right for you, and you start choosing the truth, like what is actually right for you, peace, alignment within yourself, becoming your own best friend. Remember, that is your core boundary. So let's talk a little bit about our past, because oftentimes trauma, when it's installed in our brain and in our nervous system, is voices of the past. Okay, so when I ask, whose voice are you still letting shape your freedom? It could be someone currently, maybe like a spouse, it could be somebody currently and from the past, like parents, um, and maybe even a child, clients, like whoever it is, um somebody, who is it that is trying to shape your freedom? Because that's not freedom, right? Freedom is being able to be ourselves unapologetically. So who is it? Who is it that's in your head that's telling you you can't be free? Um, because a lot of people are not actually stuck in the pain of the trauma anymore. That that actually goes away, or it actually dulls, I should say. Okay. And we're able to think through things, but we're often stuck in the voice that came with the trauma. We're often stuck in the voice that came with the pain. Meaning every time we try to move forward, that voice comes ramming back through our brain and into our skull, and tells us again why we can't have what it is we say we want. And so it stops us, it stops us from taking the action necessary to get the result that we want. And I'll tell you guys, you know, in my own personal life and my own personal relationships, this was huge. When I stopped being silent and allowed people to have whatever reaction they were gonna have to it, then that's when things actually started changing. I started actually being able to move forward, I started being able to create my life and allow people to either be a part of it or not. It was their choice, but I was not going to beg them to honor me. I was not going to beg them to have a relationship with me, but I also was not going to allow them to run me over or to walk all over me anymore. Now that doesn't mean that I had to be mean, it didn't mean that because that's not one of my values, right? I value kindness, I value respect highly, but we can still be respectful and still be honest. I'm sorry, that doesn't work for me. Or even not an I'm sorry, just that doesn't work for me. Um to give you an example, I actually had somebody pushing a boundary just the other day. Um and you know, uh one of the things I told this person was I am not available to be mistreated. That's not disrespectful, that's not rude. They didn't like it, but that's fine. I'm not gonna I'm not going to be the one to take their misuse or mistreatment of me just so they can feel better. They have to deal with their own emotions, it's not my job. They have to deal with their own trauma, their own pain, their own whatever they're sitting in. That's not my job. And so I make it very clear that I I am completely and utterly responsible for just one person. Me. I can only take ownership for myself and my thoughts, my actions, my feelings. I can't own anybody else's because I was not instrumental in creating them. They still had to make the decision to do or feel or whatever. So the more control I have over myself, the better off I am in relationships, business, money, lives, etc. Lives, how many do I have? My goodness, okay. So some things that we may be waiting for, okay, is making sure that somebody understands us, making sure that they get us or that they understand how their actions have impacted us, and um oftentimes that's not the case. Um well, what I mean by that, okay, is when we're sitting here waiting on the actions or the realization of someone else, it delays our few our freedom, it delays our future. Because we are waiting on someone else to take action before we take action, and that's kind of hard to hear sometimes. Um, and here's the reason why, because a lot of times, and I was in this boat too, um, I believed that in order for me to heal from the betrayal trauma of my husband uh and his pornography habits, or the betrayal trauma of my mother, um, that they had to understand what they had done to me. And so it delayed what I could really do. But here's the truth. I didn't need somebody else to understand me, I just needed to understand me. I needed to have my own back, I needed to be my own best friend. My voice needed to be the primary voice in my head. The only other voice that gets to be up there is that of God and the Lord Jesus Christ. Like that is it. Because they have my best interest in mind, I have my best interest in mind. If we both have my best interest in mind, then I'm a lot more likely to go in a direction that rewards me. Um now that doesn't mean that I didn't run up against people that uh didn't appreciate that. I still do, and matter of fact, gosh, I was just sitting there thinking yesterday, I was like, oh my gosh, like the drama of some people, you know what I'm talking about, my loves. Like you've been in this situation where you're like, oh gosh, these the drama. Oh the drama, right? And when I realized that there was, it wasn't a lot, but there was a couple of people in my life that were really creating some drama for me, I got looking into myself and asking myself what attracted it. Okay. Now, to be fair, I like looking at myself and saying like what attracted it does not mean I'm blaming myself at all for their behavior. What these people did is completely, utterly unexcusable. And um I say this with love, they're actually verifiably crazy. Okay. And I'm not gonna get into the details of what actually happened. But I got looking into myself a little bit because there was a buzz in my soul. There was something that was out of alignment with me, and that only happens when I am living outside of my boundaries, and I was really angry again at the way I was being treated, and rightfully so. It's it's it's not okay when somebody mistreats you, it brings up anger for a good reason. But I had to bring honesty into my life, and one of the things that I realized was I was letting the voices get to me, and I was marinating in drama myself. And when I realized that, and that I was kind of enjoying the drama a little bit, but also not enjoying the drama, like the drama was really getting to me. I realized, oh, boundary. I don't participate in drama. I don't want the drama in my life. And so instead of trying to make myself heard, which is what I did, from now on, I am simply going to reply, that is a you problem. Not a me problem. You need to deal with it, not me. And just keep replying with that, that is a you problem, not a me problem. You're the one that has to deal with that, not me. Okay. Because again, when I decide I'm going to participate or subscribe to something or not to subscribe to something, it limits what comes in my head or what is allowed, what is allowed in my nervous system, what is allowed in my energy or my emotions, and clarity on how to deal with it. And here's the thing that's not rude. That's truth. When I say, well, that sounds like that's a you problem, and there's nothing I can do about that. When I say that, it's true. So when we're setting boundaries or we're letting making sure our voice is the main voice being heard, it's really important that we ask ourselves, are we living in truth? Are we actually being honest with ourselves? And I uh this is really important because if we're not being honest with ourselves, it's going to be very hard for us to um move forward, to kick somebody else's voice out of our head, um, and to live in integrity. And this is also why waiting around for somebody else to heal so you can heal, waiting for somebody else to get at what they're doing to you, or get how inappropriate they have been. I I understand, like, oh it'd be nice if people could truly understand the impact that they have on us. But some people are not willing to understand that. They want you to be the problem. And when that happens, we also recognize that these are people that we don't need in our lives. We can recognize how to respond to them. And we can recognize that if they don't deserve, or I should say, if they don't if space in our life is going to be too hard for them and too hard for us, it might also be best to realize that their voice needs to be ousted out of our head. So when we hear anything that makes us feel low or unhappy or out of alignment, and like I said, I was paying attention to how my body was responding to uh quote unquote the drama that happened. And when it doesn't feel good and we've realized this, um we can also ask ourselves what isn't true, like what are we believing that isn't true? Because truth feels like not truth, untruth, lies feel heavy. Lies give us this buzz kind of in our nervous system. Lies kind of feel a little bit like a punch in the gut. And I I know that sometimes we believe things that aren't true. Even if it sounds like they're justifying us in our actions, if they justify us acting out of s outside of who we are, that's also a voice that doesn't deserve to be in our head. See, a lot of people think when they're waiting for closure that they need permission to move on. Like that's what they're really waiting for, right? Um they can't move forward until somebody else heals, but they think that they're gonna feel free. Well, like when they're finally understood, or when somebody admits what they actually did, or I'm gonna move on when I finally see when they finally see what they did clearly. And none of that's true. Freedom comes from completely and utterly owning our lives and our responses, and that can only happen if we're owning our voice, not allowing it to be silenced, not allowing it to be hidden, um, and not allowing it to be discounted. But we speak up when it needs to be what when something needs to be said. Because here's the thing, you can't wait on somebody else's healing before you heal because it might never happen. And your freedom shouldn't be dependent on somebody else ever. And as long as your freedom depends on their voice, your peace is not actually yours yet. It's theirs. So words do affect us, betrayal does wound us, misunderstanding does hurt. But their voice may have shaped a small portion of your life or even a large portion of your life, but it doesn't get to author the rest of it. It doesn't get to determine your next steps, it doesn't get to determine where you're gonna go, who you're gonna be. You determine those things, and from that, actually you find safety, you find strength. If you've been craving honesty and truth, when you're honest and true with yourself, it's amazing. It's amazing how well you are at detecting things that aren't true, because you already know what truth feels like, you understand what like the actions and the energy and the characteristics of truth. You need to give yourself first and foremost what it is you want. And if you're waiting for someone else to give you freedom, it will likely never come. Because you have to treat, you have to show other people how to treat you. But it comes first and foremost by treating yourself the way you want to be treated. See the thing is is a lot of our a lot of the voice. The things that people say to us can definitely be internalized if we don't challenge them. So the question you've got to ask yourself is what voice have I been carrying that was actually never true. I knew, like, okay, to be honest with you, that voice was the adversary. But he made it sound like my mom. He made it sound like my husband. He made it sound like my kids. He made it sound like my neighbor, my colleague, etc. But in truth, it was all him. It was all his voice. And this is one of the reasons I refuse to listen to that because I don't want that dude in my life at all. I don't want him anywhere near me. He doesn't deserve my attention. He doesn't deserve my headspace. He doesn't even deserve my acknowledgement. I want to give all of those resources. I want to spend all of that on something that's going to give me a return on that investment. And that is with the Lord Jesus Christ and God the Eternal Father. And myself, I can actually give myself a really good return. See, creating freedom doesn't come from getting them to agree, proving your side, getting the perfect ending. And to be honest with you, I was trying to prove my side the other day. So, like, even I can work on these things, right? But freedom comes from truth, it comes from alignment. What I said was true, but I wasn't in alignment. Because when somebody is not willing to hear you, short and sweet is the best way to communicate. I'm sorry, that doesn't work for me. Or actually keep the sorry out, sorry. Sorry, my gosh, I'm saying sorry a lot. That doesn't work for me. It will never work for me. It's always going to be a no. Or like what I said earlier, um that sounds like a you problem, and so therefore you have to be the one to deal with it. Freedom comes from self-trust, trusting yourself to make the right moves to do the right thing, and trusting yourself when it comes to struggles and situations. Trusting God's voice and your own clear knowing, trusting your intuition. Healing begins when truth gets louder than the voice that hurt you. That's so true, guys. And especially when it comes from your own voice. When you're speaking the truth, your your nervous system is wired to listen to what you have to say. So the more truth you speak, the more your nervous system heals. This is also another reason why it's so important, and why people also try to silence us is because they want us to take on the burden of the buzzing nervous system. So, what does God say about you? Compare what voice what the voice in your head is saying, or what this person said to you, to what God actually thinks. That's gonna tell you what's true. What's actually true about who you are? God is gonna tell you He's your creator, He knows every atom in your makeup, He knows it. If you lean into Him, you're gonna find out who you are, who He created you to be, and not in one big huge thing, it's He's gonna give it to you step by step by step so that way you can learn to feel proud of yourself in increments. That's a big deal, actually, because we don't just give our trust even to ourselves all in one dose. Sometimes it takes repairing the relationship, and so and repair sometimes has to come in increments, otherwise it can overwhelm our nervous system. Um freedom is not pretending their voice didn't affect you, freedom is deciding that it doesn't get to lead you anymore, that your voice matters, and that your voice is the final one in your head. So you're no longer explaining yourself to people committed to misunderstanding you. Again, remember that sounds like a you problem, and therefore it sounds like you are going to have to be the one to find the solution. You're no longer replaying the conversation, you're no longer needing an apology. And by the way, apologies only work for the other person anyway. They're nice to hear, but apologies, the only thing they really do for you is put you unaware of whether this person is actually going to match their words or not. They they can be the beginning of trust. But reality is apologies are way more worth the person actually making the apology because that's the beginning of them actually taking ownership of their change and their life. No longer making, no longer trying to make them see what they refuse to see, no longer shrinking because of what they said. You don't have to keep trying to be understood by people who are committed to seeing you through a very, very, very dirty, clouded, oily, disgusting lens. See, this is why boundaries are so important. And when I talk about boundaries, I'm saying who you choose to be, regardless of how someone else shows up. Nobody else gets to dictate to you who you should be. You and God alone are the ones who dictate that. And I don't question God's creative abilities. If he put me here, he created me for crying out loud. That's pretty cool. I'm gonna trust what he says, and that gives us the space to actually explore the pieces of ourselves that we love so that way we can actually understand what it feels like to love ourselves completely and wholly. Self-ownership is actually a type of self-love. Loving ourselves enough to actually keep our freedom. Because if we don't, if we put blame uh on ourselves or someone else, what tends to happen is we tend to say that we have no way of moving forward, and that's not true. That we have to wait for someone else to move forward before we can. Freedom is a choice, my loves. Boundaries are what help you keep you choosing that freedom, and boundaries are how you stop handing your peace back to the voice who stole it originally. You don't need their agreement, you don't need their apology, you don't need their understanding, you do not need their permission, you're allowed to be free even if they never change their mind about you. If they never change their mind about you, cool. Guess what? You don't need a relationship with that person. I don't beg people to have relationships with me, and you don't have to either. Freedom is your choice, not their voice. And the moment you stop giving someone else's word, the final say your healing gets room to finally breathe. And when you finally have oxygen in the healing room, you can finally start your journey towards freedom. Alright, my loves. I hope this was helpful for you today. Again, don't forget, go book that call. I am here for you. I would love to talk with you. If you guys are interested about boundaries, how they can help you craft the family of your dreams, craft the business of your dreams, create the money of your dreams, etc. If you're ready to really, really, really transform into the person that God created you to be, so that way you could have what God endowed you with and wants you to have, which is a lot, guys, like a lot. Please give me a call on or book a call with me. And let's craft those boundaries together. They are free calls, no obligation. Um, they are literally my gift to you. So that way you have a a jumping ground, a a start. Okay. Alright, my loves. Until next time, I'll see you on the other side. Bye.